Anymore

What is it that I still have? I don't want to lose anything anymore. I've walked this path for so long, not caring about the cost of each step I took to get me further into it. Not caring about if the path chosen was full of thorns or flowers, it never mattered as long as it led to the goal I had set for myself. I've lost so much, I've let go of everyone and everything; again and again. I've endured so much. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want to endure pain anymore. 

Yet at the end of the road I keep on losing, for the sake of ambition and glory, I've let my focus lose itself from what is truly important to me. I don't want to let go anymore. I don't want to be alone. I, for the first time in my life, want to stop and enjoy the moment. I don't want to run anymore. Stop gazing into the future and pay delightful attention at whatever lays around me. Just for an instant, I want to stop competing, stop fighting, against everyone; against myself. I don't want to fight anymore. 

If the path I've chosen so far was full of right, then for once I want to be wrong. Take pleasure in every moment, with the people I care. Enjoy the simple things, don't mind the big stories from the world. If only for a moment, I want to be human again. I want to care about others, and want others to care about me. I don't want to be a wolf anymore. I can't remember exactly for how long I've been lost, wondering the world alone. I don't even remember how it started. I don't know what the meaning of the word 'home' is anymore. 

Family has become just an idea and friends have been watered down enough to simply become people that are not strangers anymore. I can't remember how a bond feels. Even if all I have left are these vague memories, I don't want to lose them. Even if all I've got is this broken sense of warmth, I don't want to lose it. Even if all I have is the a small feint of hope of ever being able to become whole again, I can't afford to lose it. From all I had once, I've lost plenty, and all I have is just this little, not enough to shed a tear. Yet it is all I've got, and it's become something precious to me. I don't want to lose anymore. 

What do I really have left? What can I really do to get it back? What am I willing to do to not lose anymore? I don't want to be a stranger anymore. For the first time in my life, I want to belong. For the first time in my life I want to care about if the path I decide to walk will lead to home; I don't want to live astray anymore. I keep learning new and forgetting old faces, I can't remember most of them. I keep gathering new experiences, with no one to share them with; no one else that remembers them. I've become a ghost of my own memories. I don't want to forget anyone anymore. I don't want to be forgotten anymore.

I had to lose it all; had to let go of everything, to realize what was really important to me. Had to give it all up to find out what where the things I could not let go. Yet I did let go. I don't want to lose anything, anything at all, anymore. No more, no more of this, please stop this, I can't take it, anymore. 

What will it take for you to realize that sometimes letting go is just running away, and staying to fight is to do what's right. What will it take for you to be happy with what you've got and to stop looking away? When will you stop postponing happiness until the day when the never ending road ends? Why can't you see that you had it all, and let it go, and whatever is left, is for you to recover or waste, and I don't want to waste, anymore.