Who you are

- You cannot keep this up. Are you aware people judge everything you say, wear, think or do? That the closest you get to becoming yourself the farther away you'll drift from everyone else? Regardless of how much you try to convince yourself of the contrary, you'll always care about what they think.

- Of course I am aware, but the closest I get to myself, regardless of how much they judge me, the more likely I'll find a few who are also like me. The more I become myself, the more others will respect and acknowledge who I am. 

- Is it fine with you that others think negative things about you? 

- Yes, it's ok, good or bad, it doesn't matter. Everybody has opinions and make judgements anyway. These judgements are nothing but projections, of their fears and repression, and through them I can look more clearly into who I am.

- By "everybody" are you acknowledging that you're the same as them? 

- Yes, including myself. In all honesty, regardless if we admit it or not, like it or not, we judge ourselves  and others everyday. We compare to each other, that's how we develop empathy and friendship, as well as dislike and envy.

- Wait a minute, then all you're really saying is since we all judge each other anyways it doesn't really matter? You can't be serious. You know that doesn't apply to you. That only works for those who remain within the realm of "normal", and therefore can understand each other. You on the other hand, insist of moving away from that.

- All I'm really saying is that it's ok to be who you are.

Anymore

What is it that I still have? I don't want to lose anything anymore. I've walked this path for so long, not caring about the cost of each step I took to get me further into it. Not caring about if the path chosen was full of thorns or flowers, it never mattered as long as it led to the goal I had set for myself. I've lost so much, I've let go of everyone and everything; again and again. I've endured so much. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want to endure pain anymore. 

Yet at the end of the road I keep on losing, for the sake of ambition and glory, I've let my focus lose itself from what is truly important to me. I don't want to let go anymore. I don't want to be alone. I, for the first time in my life, want to stop and enjoy the moment. I don't want to run anymore. Stop gazing into the future and pay delightful attention at whatever lays around me. Just for an instant, I want to stop competing, stop fighting, against everyone; against myself. I don't want to fight anymore. 

If the path I've chosen so far was full of right, then for once I want to be wrong. Take pleasure in every moment, with the people I care. Enjoy the simple things, don't mind the big stories from the world. If only for a moment, I want to be human again. I want to care about others, and want others to care about me. I don't want to be a wolf anymore. I can't remember exactly for how long I've been lost, wondering the world alone. I don't even remember how it started. I don't know what the meaning of the word 'home' is anymore. 

Family has become just an idea and friends have been watered down enough to simply become people that are not strangers anymore. I can't remember how a bond feels. Even if all I have left are these vague memories, I don't want to lose them. Even if all I've got is this broken sense of warmth, I don't want to lose it. Even if all I have is the a small feint of hope of ever being able to become whole again, I can't afford to lose it. From all I had once, I've lost plenty, and all I have is just this little, not enough to shed a tear. Yet it is all I've got, and it's become something precious to me. I don't want to lose anymore. 

What do I really have left? What can I really do to get it back? What am I willing to do to not lose anymore? I don't want to be a stranger anymore. For the first time in my life, I want to belong. For the first time in my life I want to care about if the path I decide to walk will lead to home; I don't want to live astray anymore. I keep learning new and forgetting old faces, I can't remember most of them. I keep gathering new experiences, with no one to share them with; no one else that remembers them. I've become a ghost of my own memories. I don't want to forget anyone anymore. I don't want to be forgotten anymore.

I had to lose it all; had to let go of everything, to realize what was really important to me. Had to give it all up to find out what where the things I could not let go. Yet I did let go. I don't want to lose anything, anything at all, anymore. No more, no more of this, please stop this, I can't take it, anymore. 

What will it take for you to realize that sometimes letting go is just running away, and staying to fight is to do what's right. What will it take for you to be happy with what you've got and to stop looking away? When will you stop postponing happiness until the day when the never ending road ends? Why can't you see that you had it all, and let it go, and whatever is left, is for you to recover or waste, and I don't want to waste, anymore.

Trains

The truth is, there is something special about trains. It may be the feeling of collective solitude that they convey; a person is never as lonely as when riding an overwhelmingly crowded train. Or it may be the never-ending scenery flying by through the windows; shall we never forget that our lives are all but just an instant that passes us by in a flash. It’s a constant déjà-vu where people enter and leave. Sometimes you might exchange a word or two with someone but in the end, the longer you ride the train, the more you realize that on this trip you’re on your own.

The other thing about trains is that they always offer a way back. They provide hope, that regardless of your final destination you will have a way out; because of this, trains may be greater than life itself. But this is merely an illusion. Wishing to fast forward towards the future while keeping an open door to come back from where you came from; it’s just running away from the present. You’re escaping from yourself.

And trains, as wise as they are, have a way to deal with this; a way to bring you back into the present. If you look carefully through their windows but stop yourself from gazing too far into the future, and ignore any other passing train going back to the past, you might be able to find yourself. The hidden reflection of your soul looking at you from within the glass, reminding you that in this very second you are and you exist. That even if you’re on this trip on your own, you’re (not) alone.